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[08 Sep 2005|01:47am] |
I'M MOVING TO CANADA ON OCTOBER 10TH!
WOOOOO!
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[15 May 2005|01:50pm] |
WHATS UP!
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[19 Dec 2003|05:58am] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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boo x2 !!!
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[05 Nov 2003|05:43am] |
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boo!
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| NEW JOURNAL.... |
[14 Oct 2002|05:59am] |
if you love me. or care about my journal.
or what i write. or anything that goes on in this
little box of death. then youll add my new journal to your friends list.
www.livejournal.com/users/danceyoudead
www.livejournal.com/users/danceyoudead
www.livejournal.com/users/danceyoudead
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) danceyoudead
danceyoudead
danceyoudead
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| so i was thinking... |
[14 Oct 2002|05:10am] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
] |
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music |
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converge. |
] |
what the fuck?
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[13 Oct 2002|03:29pm] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
] |
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music |
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bleeding fucking through. |
] |
the day you kill yourself.
the day my phoenix shall rise into the air.
i was starting to think that richmond was ok.
but then everything fell back into their ordinary places and
it makes me think otherwise now. i have 3 places i can go immediately.
where do i go? i know the easiest. i know the one i want the most.
i should pick that one. when will i pick that one?
terror is coming up. im excited about that. my rage can
finally be expressed through motion. im glad im finally moshing again.
it feels fucking good. final dead serious too. all i can say is
i will go fucking insane for the whole set. because i am going to miss
that band like shit. and seeing impact will be fun too......
i hope this dark cloud week decides its time to move on, because im starting
to fall again and i dont feel like catching myself this time. maybe ill just pick
up and move away, far away from everything, everyone. ill miss certain people
pretty badly. but theyll never be away from my heart...who knows where the rain
will set me back down...
one smoking gun and no regrets...what happened to the girl i used to hold?
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| dead and gone... |
[12 Oct 2002|02:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
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music |
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bleeding through. |
] |
each days the suns sets into the future, your eyes are erased from my mind, and each day i curse the past for letting me in on your destructive secrets. i fucking hate you.
waters that flow your name in diamond risk eyes
now flood over with dead bodies of lust and deceit
burn in your own ashes of mistrust and choke
on the bittered future you will lead, fuck you
and fuck your worthlessness, fuck your every breath
la la la.
breakdowns are my saviour. throwdown. here we come.
north carolina. take your shirt off, spin it around like a helicopter.
blah i have no clue what the fuck im talking about right now.
fuck.
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| 5am sunrise anguished victory of chaos... |
[09 Oct 2002|05:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 depressed |
] |
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music |
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deathcab for cutie. |
] |
5am.
the days are getting longer, again.
the nights are getting colder, again.
finding out lies months after, still hurts.
i hate you.
im searching for a lap, to make me feel better right now.
a safe haven to close my eyes and drift away inside, safe, away from you.
im searching for lips to kiss, to make me feel better tomorrow.
soft stirred enternal displays, mesh into a thousand rays of disease.
i picture you sitting, so quietly, secure it your dreams
and you toss and turn, so gently the dust doesn't stir
while the sky beings to sing, and the clouds form a bridge
pointing through your window, the moon spits ghastly ages
as the angels descend into your hair, silently chaining your face
to the pillow as they steal away your breath, just
as you stole mine so many times before - - each hair pulled
from a rotting scalp strings up a new symphony
disguised as beauty and beheld as thunder, i crash
beside the disgust of my legion of love, the wings that carry
my heart into fate, away from you, your lust and worthless smile
the thought of you wilts the most beautiful gardens
and ideas committ suicide, placed in front of your putrescence
the day the sky suffocates your bliss, i will finally
breathe in, breathe out, breathe again
falling through another day, im not sure where to go from here. ive disguised myself in happiness for a good while now, which i am proud of and it makes me happy that i can still build my walls, whether or not it be a good thing. im still proud. still lost but ive got my pride. the soundtracks have aided my journey into oblivion and edged out the quiet sing a long here and there. hopefully tomorrow will bring a few more laughs and a haircut. i need to get ahold of beth again, silly girl. anyways.
5am.
with nothing left to say, but so much time to kill.
searching for a lap to hold me still.
waiting for fingers, to run through my hair, saturated in guilt.
blinding me for a few short hours, shower me with blood, my heart has spilt.
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| for you my love, my fucking disaster... |
[08 Oct 2002|03:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 infuriated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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bleeding through. |
] |
so cold tonight
and you bitter lips still
burn my mouth, your fake FUCKING smile
still shatters my eyes
for every beautiful moment, you breathe
another stitch in breEAKs
every whistling train, bleeds
with yearlong LIES, and every
LEAKing sigh, your bed still
molds my back
for EVERY TIme you extinguished, my soul
i pray for the angELS, to avenge
my losST.
i HATE myself for every
dirty fucking thought, laced with ruin.
of you. and EVERY fucking
smile you lied from behind
your EMPTY FUCKING FACE.
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| (.dragout identity.) |
[06 Oct 2002|11:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the suicide file. |
] |
you have grown
since i last held you close
and your voice swims, through
my eyes like this new
world nightmare
the moon is blind tonight
as you water hums
angrily at my weakness
down my throat
my refuge, and
my disgust
while i taste the
pain from your lips
as i purse my own
lost in the flight
of your charity
perfectly lined eyes
shine to bright, so black
and wrapped into, a
diamond perfect package
protected by tranquility, and soiled
elegance
your glassy eyes, rain
from each corner of lust
and the pupils
blossom into fountains
of cherished sunglight poison.
intoxicating a heart, that
i murdered a few short
months ago.
i watch down, covered in temptation
to caress the silver silk kiss
that will nail
this coffin
to the botton of your lake.
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| 4am death parade... |
[05 Oct 2002|09:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
] |
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music |
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striking distance. |
] |
things are insane.
my mind is so fucked up again. back and forth, back and forth.
reguardless of a mask or whatever i was tonight, i had a lot of fun with my kids. and my new addition to x333x was fucking rad.
i met some fucking amazing kids from NC. i love them.
pretty girls from other states being ultra cute are amazing.
she's the raddest girl ever. im really glad i met her.
in other news. its fun to be ultra flirty these days and finally have a bunch of boys to hang out with, act gay and just lose it have a good time with. so thanks a lot to all the kids ive met the past 3 days and thanks for being fucking rad. everyone has helped me out with these past few emotional days.
i dont want a girlfriend, because im not ready and i want be the boyfriend that i am to the girl, when i find her. and i dont want to mistreat anyone because im not ready, but i am so fucking lonely these days. i miss the cuddling. soft sexy kisses and the feelings of smooth hands on the back on my neck and my head, running through my hair and the rush of romance. fucking nonsense.
i have no idea what i am talking about right now. its almost 4am and i am delirous. i think im headed out to my favorite place in the world in a few minutes for a good and much needed cry. its been a while since ive been there and maybe its just what i need. i dont feel like driving. so i might be up for the brisk walk. but we'll see. it feels good outside...
...i wish i had a hand to hold for the walk down there.
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| fuck, this want supposed to be a pityparty... |
[04 Oct 2002|03:12pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
] |
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music |
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motherfucking throwdown. |
] |
things have been alright lately.
just living life and being rather bummy. hanging out.
getting back into the job world soon, so thatll be something good to help fill up the time and finally give me some actual money to start going out and getting things again. ha.
i have fought off my depression for quite some time now.
it feels good to have won for so long, but the inevitable is rushing back again.
i have been really strong lately and have tried to keep busy with everything and meeting people and getting my mind off things that haunt me. but it never 100% works, not at all. and i am afraid of it. i know that i can deal with it at least, and i can move on and keep killing my memory. its getting harder, which doesnt really make sense to me. but its true. youd think with time i would be easier to forget. i guess not. but i can remember a smile, the curve of a hip and the touch of a hand. and i cant seem to rid them from my emotions. i still cry. she still makes me cry.
i have already cried an ocean too big. but i cant help it.
ive written so many songs, so many letters. so many suicide notes to her.
fuck feeling like this. and fucking being in love.
fuck the fact that i cant even control my own brain and fuck the fact that i am still emtionally destroyed. and that reguardless of my sickness. ill always be fucked.
and fuck feeling sorry for myself. i dont need anything like that. nor do i want it.
fuck everything.
wintered gates singe in pain
at the vicious taint of our charred
"love?"
my voice cries, shuttered close-eyed death
as tears fall silently across my lap
interuppted thoughts converge
into a void of ripped paper lies, torn paper dreams
laying in the field of angels
propped upon my agony fence of breath
sing me to sleep and
carry me into the ground, slowly churning me to sleep
rot. suffocate. asunder into this lie.
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| (. my raindrop lie .) |
[26 Sep 2002|11:46am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
] |
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music |
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azazel. |
] |
muted teardrop rains, beckon alongside
the sidewalk in front of my house
while streets sing my beautiful sonnet
to the skies that drain away their fears
each thought races down the gutter
thrown into another windless challenge
tunneling through every broken street tire
torn with the haste of this abrasive world
in wind chokes sometimes, when nobody
listens i can hear the breeze fade and
innocent smiles denote into a deadpan gust
and my skin dries, from the wind's empty
breaths, from their last whisp of life
and i feel safe, inside the winds' funeral
inside disaster, i feel at home...
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| (. midnight eyes .) |
[18 Sep 2002|04:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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awake |
] |
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music |
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moving fusion. |
] |
i am the shadow
the darkness that leaks
from your veins
i am the nightfall that
creeps from your lips
i am the weakness
that puddles at your feet
and i will bring you to death
and plant you gently
back into this swallowing soil
i am your rejection
that clings to your throat
choking out worthles words of de-
struction, disaster, distaste
i am the onyx of your eye
turning light into blood
and painting the skies with sex
i am the shadow
the darkness that binds you to failure
i am your coffin, your chariot of disgust
i am the shadow
the sound of death falling at your door
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| love's no storybook... |
[18 Sep 2002|02:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
] |
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music |
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undying. |
] |
its been a while since i updated this thing with anything that made sense and other than poetry or the like. so much has happened and i have no clue where it happened. the past 3ish weeks have been a huge whirlwind and i still dont know how i got here. it all started when i walked into 929 to support my boys, suffer hereafter. which was a great show, by the way - all the bands were really good and it was great to see them on stage going off and having a great time. i cant wait for tour. but anyway. i havent felt like myself lately and so much happened so quickly. i live downtown now, with 3 amazing people and i love it. we have such a nice house (ha, tim) and just everything is really good with that. my bonds with certain people are getting tighter and tighter and that makes me feel amazing and i am very excited about that. i still cant shake the past, i still have thoughts of "why" "how did this happen" and i still wonder if its supposed to work out in the future, i still have no idea what to think about it all, that whirlwind was the quickest thing i have ever seen, or didnt see at all. but i guess its not much worth thinking about anymore. who knows. trouble. and now there is someone. who treats me like gold and takes care of me. who puts me before anything else and its incredible. its so new and hard to understand. i like her so much back and i want to give her those things, because she deserves them, she deserves to be treated like a princess, she is one of the most amazing people i have ever met and i dont deserve a second of her attention... but i cant do that stuff, not now, i dont know what to do with it. i am not good enough for that, i have nothing to offer, nothing to give back. i dont understand what she sees inside my dead eyes, or how she feels from my scarred heart. and i dont know what to feel inside anymore. beauty. honesty. dedication. its all there and then there is me. lost in a world with a thousand broken mirrors, caped around me like a shroud of assassinated hope. so confused about what to feel. so misunderstood and confused by my own self. i guess it was about time for all this to happen. i have been happy the past few weeks and most know that is out of character. ive been smiles and laughs, goofing around and having a great time and i truly do love those feelings. i missed them and i hope they come back soon. i hope i figure out myself soon. i tried to murder my past a few weeks ago. and it died in my hands, i held my lifeless memories in bloody hands and smiled. but i knew it was just a joke, the joke's on me...
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| (. street walk liberation .) |
[17 Sep 2002|01:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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dimmu borgir. |
] |
the sky sounds black tonight
while your courage, burns
bright
into the wind with ease - with lies
your gasoline twilight parade
disguised as the setting sun, manipulated
by a sea of disaster
shattered tongues lash out
at the air, licking our faces, all
while tears beg for freedom
dripping at feet, bound in death
this tidal wave of dedication
pours onto your gravel grave
stoic stares adorn a statue
of purity, protected from life
embraced by suicide
massaged with a fiery blanket of
liberation, tucked away tyranny
dressed in tranquility
your heartbeat burns bright tonight
matched with the breaths
taken in from your eyes, blessed
with iron will from yesterday's midnight
the streets still ache, and your smoke
still seeps through our veins
this was written for creative writing class. we had to write a poem from a picture we had. my picture was that of the Buddhist monk burning himself in protest of the Diem goverment in South Vietnam. my words cannot fathom the respect have i have for such a person with beliefs this wrong and this horrible attempt at homage to this man is what you just read...
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| horrible haircuts, great people and a new house... |
[10 Sep 2002|09:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
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awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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suffer hereafter. |
] |
yep.
im still sick as fuck. going to the doctor in about an hour.
go me.
these past few days have been fucking rad.
ive been hanging out with tim, megan and garrett a lot.
megan is the cutest one though. har. har.
but i have been really happy, minus the wanting to die because i am sick part, but it will pass, and soon i hope. things have been going really well for me and for once my outlook on life is pretty good, i have a strong feeling that im going to be ok, that its my time to be happy and live life. and im trying to do that everyday. and with the help of some very special people ive been able to do that. so huge thank yous go out to them and you all know who you are, thank you so much...
today is day 1 of "the move" and i am so fucking stoked on it.
im not taking much over there, just some entertainment stuff and whatnot. so the benefits of my addition to the household will be noticed immediately, hahah! we're still trying to figure out where my bed will go, but fuck that, we're all hardcore and it's punk rock to sleep on floors and stuff. haha. fuck yea. cary st. here comes the chaos.
now i finally have excuses to ride my amazing bike. THAT rules. ah man, back downtown where i belong. moving out and not being a loser at home anymore, fuck yes i'm excited.
VIRGO: Everything is up and running for the moment -- with luck, it will stay that way for a while. Turn your attention to the people who make the machinery go. Remember that the human spirit needs tender loving care and maintenance from time to time. Take a day off from your labors. Enjoy what you have now before letting your ambition drive you onward. Check in with people you haven't seen in a while. Loved ones are prepared to forgive you for ignoring them lately.
continue to stay up and running goddamnit! i am happy now. and i like this state of emotion. i think ill try it out for a while and maybe adopt it permanantly...whatdya think?
rock.
oh yea. my birthday is soon. so if anyone out there woud like to buy me a Nikon manual/auto camera. please feel free. :hearts:
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